How To Make The Best of a Throwaway Season

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Posted by JB | braves vs diamondbacks | Friday 8 August 2008 6:31 pm

~JB, just drank a lot of coffee today… a lot. 

All in one game, Charlie Morton pitches 7 scoreless innings, gets his first big league hit/double, gets picked off shortly after that, and even gets caught stealing (cue the Jane’s Addiction music). So maybe Morton has promise after all. But he’s still only 3-7 and may need a little more time in Triple A before he’s a true big leaguer. Nonetheless, that’s two impressive starts in a row for Charlie. Two more like it and I may even suggest he be on the Opening Day rotation. Of course that may jinx his whole career…

But after Morton is done being great, Boyer comes into the game and does what our bullpen does best. That is, giving up runs in late innings. Gonzo comes into the ninth and does what he does best. Gets a save (number 5) and since he has only allowed 3 ER’s in 11 appearances is by far our best bullpenner. I think Mike will be sticking around for a while.

With that said, the Braves are trying to continue to play spoiler to the D-Backs who maintain a pencil thin lead over the revamped Dodgers (who keep winning while #99 Manny keeps hitting homers).

Speaking of the Dodgers, if anyone wants to feel nostalgic about AJ, take a look at his stats for 2008. He’s no longer a starter and even though he belted a pinch hit homer in the ninth, he’s looking to be an odd man out pretty soon and get the Javy Lopez in Baltimore treatment. Could Andruw be unemployed in 2009? Of course he’s making $18 million for the next two years so I guess you can’t feel too bad. 

But now that I’m done digressing…

The Braves need to do a few things to finish up the season in a befitting way. It’s a throwaway and so by-golly, let’s have some fun! 

Making the Best of the Remaining 2008 Season

1) Wanna do throwbacks? It seems so popular to go retro on the field these days, so why not dress the Braves up in the old 1980’s red, white and blue duds since they’re playing just like those terrible teams from 1983-1986. With the exception of 1982 we had some real stinkers out on the field representing “America’s Team” on TBS. 

2) Get Ted Turner to race ostriches and push eggs with his nose across the field again to invoke waning fan interest. Be a whole lot more fun to watch than a tankless water heater try to beat out a grounder in HD.

3) Bring back Chief Noc-a-homa and the Teepee and to heck with political correctness. 

4) Call the Rangers and literally beg and plead with them to give us back pitching prospect Neftali Feliz, who could’ve been our hope of a better pitching staff someday. 

5) Dismantle the HD screen in centerfield, sell it to Japan for $10 million, and use the money to assist us with some offseason free agent acquisitions (CC?). In it’s place put a more simpler, manually operated scoreboard that is characteristically surrounded by ads of course, but no longer displays “The Tool Race” “The Flander’s, what are they thinking?” or “The Napa Cap Shuffle”. I know some of you people who don’t like to watch baseball enjoy these little diversions but after enjoying a day game a piece at both Fenway and Wrigley, I much prefer the quiet in between inning moments of watching players warm up to the loud in your face trivia games or the Auto Trader match up’s crap. Call me a traditionalist or better yet, a purist. 

6) Fire the tomahawk girls. Baseball doesn’t need cheerleaders. But keep the drum line. They rock. 

7) Trade for Pedro Cerrano and sacrifice a chicken before each game to make Joe-Boo happy. 

8.) Hand out scorecards before each game and require each fan to spend the day learning how to keep score. Maybe then they’ll be too busy trying to figure out why the shortstop is “number 6″ to get up in the middle of the game six or seven times to do God-knows-what that’s so important it can’t wait until the half inning. 

9) Make sure Jeff Porter has some good orthopedic shoes just to make it through the next two months without going on the DL himself. Or better yet, get him one of those “Rascals” for frequent on field visits. Maybe Bobby can get one too and they can race out to this week’s injured player. 

10) Bring back the “Hey batter batter batter” chant for the guys in the infield. Sure it’s not professional but we’re not going to win any way. Why not make some noise? 

11) I’m not going to lie. I like the Chick-Fil-A cow. But why not put a smaller version of the Pink Pig and the Big Chicken (two other existing notable Atlanta icons) on either side so we can have a little barnyard up there. Of course I hope they don’t go all Animal Farm on us. 

12) Finally, sign Phil Neikro to a contract that lasts until the end of the season and let him start a few games. How many other good knucklers’ are there in baseball other than Wakefield? It’s a lost art and I’m sure it doesn’t take much physical effort to hurl butterflies at batters. Sure would be entertaining to me. 

 

So there you have it. My short list of ways to make the final two months of
Braves baseball a little bit better. 

You know, this is a pretty good list of suggestions. I’m going to make sure this gets into the hands of some upper management. Wish me luck. And as always…

Keep Choppin’

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